I'm not completely sure if you are what I want. But, I've been thinking about you.
Maybe you are what I need.
Mainly because, I love when my head is clear, and for me that usually means clear of all things sexual. Thats when I can really focus on my work, and when I know my motives are healthy and positive. Don't get me wrong, I love sexuality and consider myself to be highly accepting of all things sexual, but lately, its just downright distracting. I don't want to wake up thinking about someone I love, wanting them near me, as endearing as we could make that out to be, its annoying. I want to wake up and move directly into my practice, my breath, my quiet mind, my meditation. I don't want to see that car and wonder if they're in there looking at my cute yoga shorts. I don't want to prepare myself for the day based on how many people will be impressed and interested in me. I don't want to care why that cute person across the room keeps looking at me. At least, I don't want to care in THAT way.
Sex is a fleeting pleasure anyway. What if I met that cute person and they had some amazing stories and ideas and projects to share with me? What if instead of having sex or thinking about having sex we created something? What if our attraction wasn't even sexual, but based off of our conditioning we just quickly defined it to be? What if we could collaborate on other levels? Higher levels?! I don't want to be interested in sex. For now, I just want to BE me. Sure the idea of it often draws me to some incredible people, attraction is real, but it can also be a let down. Building up expectations and desires, and then when you get something different, but equally amazing, its hard to enjoy. I really want to do more self-inquiry (maybe you do too) about my habits and societal conditioning. Just because someone is good-looking and we click, it doesn't mean we should have a sexual relationship. Maybe there are other forces drawing us towards one another. I'm not trying to get mystical on you, but there is so much in the world that we can't see. Maybe our genetic make-up knows you have some hormone that makes you more positive than me, and my body smells it and wants to be near you?! Hormones man. Pheromones. Somebody get on that study!
I'm not saying its gotta be forever, but right now, I can't think of a better way to be focused. AND... AUTHENTIC. I want to be honest here, even when I think I'm haven't, I have changed myself to impress other people. Not in a huge or creepy way, but I go out of my way to make connections. Then I think too much about what I say, do, wear, eat. I think about the other person more than myself, and thats when my brain starts to get foggy. One desire comes in, and the rest of Alex goes out. The funny thing is, that has to be the least desirable thing in a person. To me, at least. So, I've got some work to do. Some mind muscles to build. Some self-love to give. Its practice.
Things I'll be adjusting:
1. My thoughts
2. The way I perceive other people communicating with me, verbal and non-verbal
3. The way I look/touch/speak to others... In person, media, and social media
4. My motives
5. My desires
6. The origin/authenticity of feelings that arise
There's probably more I'll notice along the way, but for now, I'm putting this out into the universe. Here's to healthy sexuality, healthy mentality too! To highly evolved, kind, and self-aware beings.
May you benefit in any way from reading this.